Colorado or bust: the both/and of launching a human

It was too early on a Saturday morning for much to be moving yet it seemed strangely quiet. I stood in the driveway, smiling and waving as the tears streamed down my face until his car was out of sight and he was gone.

“That’s two for two”,  I said to myself as I walked slowly back into the house totally unsure of what to do with myself. Totally unsure of who I now am as a mom with no children in the house. Everything felt different in an instant, as if life as I knew it was now changed forever but also not.

“Feel all of your feelings, and tell the whole truth” personal development pioneer and best selling author of “The Big Leap” Gay Hendricks shared during a interview that we did together recently for my Inspired to Life series. Right. Ok. That was my plan.

My youngest son Cole had been preparing for weeks to head west on his first solo cross country road trip. He wanted to leave a little early for college out in Colorado so he would have time to explore his new surroundings before school begins.

Simultaneously thrilled and excited for how this next chapter of his life, heck our lives, will unfold and truly heartbroken for the ending of the one we have been writing together for the past 18 years, I knew yet another BOTH/AND moment was here.

Throughout the day I cried in the kitchen at the sight of jar of Nutella. I filled with joy thinking of him rock climbing and camping with friends. I cried as I wondered what to do with his folded laundry on the table, already relics of a past he just left behind. Am I just going to put in away to sit untouched in his room? My heart soared thinking of all of the new adventures, experiences, places and people he will meet. All of the weirdest thoughts crept in. “He’s not dead for Pete’s sake”, I kept reminding myself. 

Here’s the thing about both/and moments. They are challenging because they stretch us. They ask or demand that we become available to hold space for greater bliss, awe, happiness, love etc while also doing so at same time for sadness, grief, pain, disappointment, loss or fill in the blank.

Personal growth is not a forward trajectory on a path like Cole’s road trip to Gunnison with stops in West Virginia and Kansas to plot out in advance. Instead it is more like standing with a kettlebell in each hand and then lifting and outstretching your arms further wider each moment. It’s  developing the muscle and capacity to make room for and be with paradoxical feelings and truths.

Both and. 

I am both happy for Cole and sad for me and sad for Cole and happy for me. That’s growth;  widening what I can be present to and allowing myself to feel all the feelings and speak my whole truth about it. The result? Resilience, significantly improved relationships and the agency over myself and life to steer it more intentionally. Which is what I really want for my son.

Can you relate? 

Thanks for listening to my truth.